Getting up to date - Selected extracts from personal diary

Monday 27 October 2008 – Suited and booted
On Saturday I picked up a suit from The Cancer Research charity shop to wear for the wedding, today I have put this to one side as I have been fully kitted out in brilliant outfit, suit, shirt, tie, belt and shoes for a remarkable price and I shall look, and therefore feel, like a million dollars.

Although we have heard from the hospital we are still no further forward from finding out what the diagnosis is, but have been promised an appointment before the wedding date of the 7 November 2008

The pains, and management of them, is still no better and I have made yet another appointment, this time preferring to speak to my own GP via a phone call about increasing the daily intake of morphine.

Too busy, for better or for worse
I haven’t left you all yet, I have been too busy either living or getting on with being prodded and poked at the hospital, the latest being a CT scan biossy, which was not a very nice procedure at all! I promise to have more to say about this one later but for now, after yesterday at the hospital, I am determined to get busy being happily married.

I love being married to Zoe as we try to make the most of every day we have whilst still having to do all the mundane and boring things in life, including the sorting out of insurance and paperwork during this difficult period.

I am hoping to post health updates on here very soon.

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Saturday 01 November 2008
What will this month bring? Tension and cracks beginning to show as the final ‘important’ people are informed…

…Colleague/friend from work has proven to be a real let down as he has not bothered to pick up the phone. In contrast an old stalwart of a friend “broke” down on Friday when I informed him via phone call [In hindsight the use of phone was not a good medium to inform him].

Sunday 02 November 2008
J&T arrived from Derby still unaware, despite the obvious gravity in Zoe’s voice etc, the seriousness of the situation. They soon grasped it once they were told of the diagnosis, and as best we have the prognosis. I think the word TERMINAL does it.

…It was quite harrowing with the last of my daughters to be told as she has so many ‘fundamental’ questions – none of which can be answered. Why you Dad? Why Now?

…It has been a very heavy couple of days and it has left us feeling just a little beaten-up by everything. The worse part is to have to tell people, and telling the ones you love first is even worse than that.

Sunday 02 November 2008
Today [Sunday] we are having a rest from deliberately informing folk, unless we happen to bump into someone we shall not be going out of our way to seek people out.
Tomorrow [Monday] will be bad enough when we have to tell my best friend from the office at work.

…Itching at a minimum through the night. No additional medications taken either.

20.00 – It has just once again dawned upon me that I shall never be returning to my place of work. I remember a manager leaving work to go for a routine check-up at hospital and asking me for change for the Car Park, notoriously expensive and with extremely elusive parking spaces. He never returned to work and was dead within a week. I at least have the satisfaction of knowing, although not in the best of circumstances, that I have, or will have, officially left work early!!

…It has been a very heavy couple of days and it has left us feeling just a little beaten-up by everything. The worse part is to have to tell people, and telling the ones you love first is even worse than that.

…19.30 – The house is a mess, it is also very warm central heating is On! I am getting irritated by almost anything at this precise time. Especially with people who are talking at me instead of listening. I am NOT infirm yet!

…Feeling extremely tired with head full of finance and unknowns.
Still not ready to explode yet!

Another Month, but how many more?
Today’s symptoms: 08 November 2008
The medication now being taken is just so far removed from that which I am now taking that it is not worth me noting them here at the moment, I will log all that I am on later as the Morphine, in both tablet and liquid form increases.

General – The Jaundice has all but disappeared, naturally I am still scratching a little but I guess that is only to be expected.
[Extract from personal diary]

One of the most frightening things about the week has been the increase in Morphine and its subsequent affects on the week. I now have absolutely no idea what time of day it is, what day of the week it is, or which conversation I am having. I am totally out-of-it at times, Yippie.

Thursday 30 - The gloves are on, off
I am now into wearing white cotton gloves to stop me from scratching a much as I have been. My tablet regime is much stricter and more controlled now that my partner has taken over the administration of them. My typing is, at times, hopeless. [I do take the gloves off for typing, lol]